Boy you're drunk...kapeesh?

I had yet again my bio chapters gorging on me, so i decided to take a break agen n write up a new post. Well, of all d heeby jeebies i could write on, i chose dis fer a v important reezn: its gonna help lotsa ppl find a safe way bak home. Yup, Ive figured out sum fool-proof ways of how u can say ur really drunk, u really hav ze booz flowin thru u, mate...here's how:

1) U try gettin in2 a taxi filled wid passengers (*coz u cant c d friggin passengers*) den realize ders sum obstrucshun on d seat, n u get down mutterin : Aiaiai! bloody cabdriver!! D seat's too darn high!

2) U fynally get into an empty taxi n think dat d fare meter shows d time.

Drunk dyud: Holy @#$@#$%%!! Drive faster!! Its 14 past 54 olredy!!.......R u kiddin me?? Now its 32 past 65!! Ill neva reach in time!

3) U go to a party n start actin way too spanish (*ahem...dont mind, z spanish think dey r way too slick wid z girls.....n d drunk ones think z same, wit guys*)
Sober dude: Hey, u seen francis?
Drunk francis (*does a salsa spin, makes a slutty smile*): Oley!!! I m Ferancees Feruhnahndo! Want too tahngo? (*voice a cross btwn a deep baritone n a croak*)
Sober dude(*running away*): Bleeeearghh!! Take ur cock away Phurnuhndo!! Wait...Is dat a jalapeno?!!
Drunk dude(*runnin after him*): El como bako!!(*i dunno wat dis means tho*)

4) U do d YMCA dance at a relativ's funeral to show ur respect fer d poor, demised soul. (ps. hav u seen d friggin' dance? its hilarious!!)

5) U go to a party, a guy whips out his hand fer a handshake, n u reply: "O yeah?! well same to u sucker!! Fuck u!" n giv him bak d rude sign vch d poor guy never made in d first place.

6) U go to a zoo, get too near d monkey enclosure n start screamin at d poor primates : Hey!! Get me outta dis cage!!! Il have u fer dis!!!

7) Ur office routine goes lyk dis:
* U reach office in ur frenz car
* U walk straight up to ze boss
* U grab his collars, bring ur face too darn close, breath hoarsely, n say..
* "Maria, pleease dont leave me..."

8) U do a lil jiggly thingy wid ur butt cheeks in front of yer kids just to show ur happy

9) U go to a store n start tokin to a mannequin n eventually even get her fone no.......(* :*)

10) U take part in "Romeo n Juliet" n mess it up:
Juleit: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Romeo (*drunk*): M down here in ze bushes just takin a piss!!

11) U start driving bak home... n never make it.

Soulmate

Took me time to understand your silence,
Before i got to your words,
My stream of thoughts came piling out,
In admired disarray, like flittin birds.
I took a single step, then faltered:
I knew not what i'd say;
Your eyes, the radiance they held,
Were enough to sweep me away.
I look bak now and I wonder,
How ever since our first bonds were made:
You've always wrapped my soul in your loving embrace,
How your glance the unspoken has said.
Time n again I've hurt you,
Your eyes, I've seen them bleed
Yet your angelic grace surrounded me,
Never hesitant - not a blemish of pain in your deed.
Darkness still thinks I'm his own,
As its tendrils it snares around me.
But my zephyr, my angel, my cherubim,
How can it ever win over thee?
Every time your presence charms me,
I feel a wave swelling deep inside-
As though all the barriers of fear n hatred,
Could never try to stop this tide.
Forever and ever, my skies glow on,
With ur melody playing above all the din.
The very fact dat at times I've made u cry,
Now seems each one a heinous sin.
A mist all around me at times grow,
Fashioned out of my own guilt.
Tears choke me, as I paint my canvass
With how much pain for me u've endured, how sad u've felt.
I pray, I bow down, I look up to your eyes,
The splendour in them pulls me ever so close.
Your "my first, my last, my everything"...
My paradise - miracle for a soul morose.

Eclipsed

Scars and memories, These are all that remain.
Twisted dreams, reminiscent of
My soul's tragedy - through flashes insane.
The light dims, Im bathing in darkness,
Choked to a point beyond bliss.
I feel that I cannot feel any more,
My dreams depart, Im left numbed;
Talons of betrayal ripping through my soul....
Faces all around - cruel laughter, too loud.
Do i know them? They don't answer..
Their smiles reply......"We are you..
You are us.....We are your thoughts..
The world all around...Your 1000 faces in your mind"
I fight back, but revelation blossoms..
Their words....were true...
I am them, my sins, my thoughts, my eclipsed existence..
From shadows they come, in shadows depart.
Entombed in our own dark desires, gorging on our essence.
Light, distant, glows from afar...
I raise my hand, reach out in pain..
Scars and memories of my own thoughts..
Forever remain.

Exam??? Hummmph...U friggin' kidin' me??

My dear fellow brethren of dis famous state o West Bengal, i hav news....u suck!!!! Yes, dis means u (wipe off d smirk frm ur face, will ya? ders nuthin funny....atleast not yet)!!!
On d 19th of April was our "famush" WBJEE exam (oooooohhhhhh, d horror, eh?.....shut up!!!). After 2 + 2 + 2 hours of gr8 misery, i realised dat dis exam is a HUGE farce!! Its a ruddy joke up our asses, n in d fullest, worst, screwy-est sort way imaginable...!!! Let me giv u sum points as 2 y im jerked off by dis exam:

• Most o d students appearin 4 d exam ain't "students" at all!!! Dey r fathers, uncles, jethus, kakas, mamas, or boro dadas.......wit deir faces covered wit facial hear at awkward bristly angles n high-powered magnifyin glasses on each eye (dey call it spectacles....hmmmph! specs my ass!) At least 11+ ppl in each room r prolly married n raisin a family. Most o dem brought deir "jholas" in2 d rooms b4 bein told dat bags weren allowed...mebbe sum even tried arguin : "Its not a bag!! Eta amar Pencil-box!" Yes, d wb govt has lifted d age-ban opn d exam....so all dese oldies hav swooped in to take our places. Tell me smfink, if u study 4 dis kinda 4 16 yrs n den apper, wat r ur chanzes? lemme tink, how about: 110% asshole!!

• Most o d students (incudin all d dadus n dadas) r frm d wb board n dey r NOT appearin in ANY other exam. We fellas frm d ISC n CBSE boards r subtly wiped out by tiny stitched-in games dat d examiners play (hint: d games r NOT in our favour....) (hint 2: yes, chk d rank pattern wen it cums out, ul c how well its bn arranged in a pro-WB fashun) (hint 3: dis yr its election time, so n e doubts abt who'll b gettin d advantage suckers?? x( )

• For us ISC students , its yet another bizzare ass-whuppin time. V hav a highly "scientiphik" syllabus, vch neither helps us in d all-india exams nor in dis friggin joint....come again? scientiphik, u say?

• D ppr is d best part of it all. Each subject has at least 8 mishtakes in d q pprs. Yet u shud c d wb ppl go!! Dey kp filin in d bubbles like dey'r high on dope! Its like dey KNOW!! (more likely dey know d examiners, i spose) Dey neva find ne mistake wit d ppr. dey don even calcul8 d sums in chem!! Can u do dis : 6.023E23 * 6.67E-34 / 25 ? without a calcul8r?? in 3sec?? yes u lesser mortal!! dey apparently can!!! Bt ask dem how...n dey'll look at u as if u accused dem o debauchery. Deir eyes narrow, deir breathin dilates, n thru deir beard u can hear 'em sayin sumfink like : "Baari ja shala! Jaanish amaar baba board-er ke hoy?"

• D invigil8rs think dat invigilashun = havin tea 3 times in 2 hrs, rndumly leavin d exam hall, n lettin u open d seal o d q ppr 15 mins after time just to show dey CAN!!

• I found 2 students in front of me discussin how dey'd dun miserable in d exam last year..(aw c'mon dont get angry..dey'r just one yr older...haven u seen d senescent ones?) apparently in 13 mins both o dem finishd d ppr. One had attempted a whoppin 7 qns outta 50 n d other 11. Den wat do dey do wit d rest o d time? DEY STAT PLAYIN IMAGINARY CRICKET!!! D bastards!!!!! D slimmer wun o d lot goes: "Hey, look, ill chuck u spinners n u play 'em". den he starts swingin his fingers to throw an imaginary ball at his pal, who swishes an air-bat to strike. d bowler goes "Yeah!! catch dhorlam!!" d batsman goes:"Naaaa! Ota boundary cross korechey!" D invigil8r sees dem n goes:" Plz erokom koro na. Ektu shaanto holey hoy na ki?" I go: "Oooh wats dis? I think dis is d ball. C'mon its not a boundary.. oh sorry, gezz its just ur other ball dat droppd off!"

Well, all said n dun, i think its high time to put an end to markin ppl on d basis of one-day's farce!! I mean, do u realize deir vl b docs n engineers in a few yrs who hav spawned frm success in dis kinda thing??? Srsly, r u FRIGGIN' KIDDIN' ME?????

Bandh-e-mathagaram

तो हम क्या कहते है, बंगाल जो है न, बरिया भोपू बजा रहा है! फिर से बाँध बुला दिया! yepp! its back!! our glorious govt has yet agen told us bangalis to move fwd to d back!! dis wednesday was.....yes, u got it, a BANDH!! jeez!! vl v eva learn?! dis wednesday was a bandh!! n bengal society progressed!! here r sum things i got to kno dis day:

• half-naked boys can effectivly turn d shambazar crossing in2 a cricket ground...n by god!! wat mighty moves! as our netaji keeps pointin his finger in a perpetual howzzat stance, dese fellas show him dat d bat s mightier dan n e sword, or pen, for dat matter...
• cycles race each oder on d bypass n moulali roads. each one of em is a lance armstrong racin his way to glory. watch d same road on a busy day...ull find bus-drivers "politely" tellin dese cyclists " Raastata ki apnar pitrideber??!!"
• females think its a gr8 day 4 shoppin...dese femme fatales, wrapped up in lip gloss, make-up n rags to reveal deir skin, arrive at shoppin malls only 2 realize: whoa lord! ts closed! hmm..my dear un4tun8 females, didn a gr8 man once say dat for females, beauty X brains is a constant??

• as our society progresses bakwards, some hoodlums call out marches emphasizin d need for this strike....o boy! u calld a strike only to yell ur throats out in d midday sun? get sum brains man! u should hav doe dis on a busier day wen dere wud b PPL TO HEAR U!!!!!

Well, s'pose enuff of progress for one day. next time sum brainy fartaholic cums up wid d idea to call a bandh, i wanna ask him " Y bother? ds country's goin to d crocodiles n e way! mite as well let things go bad on deir own!"

Research

Here are some reasons y i deserv a certain amount of appraisal for my research...

1) I have discovered a cheap way to accelerate an electron widout using a cyclostat. Just tie d electron to a bylon string n start executing rotatory motion (wid d string, u freak , not wid urself!!) n presto!! it works....!!

2)I have tried to find out why, if we r to follow d theory of conservation of momentum, wen we break a vermicelli piece, d pieces of different sizes dont fall to d ground wid different speeds.I also wanted to kno y duz it break in2 more dan 2 pieces evn if v break it thru d middle!!

3)I tried to find out vch species of dungbeetle has an affinity fer vch odour of dung...( dont evn try askin me bout d steps of research....dey were...erm..."squirmy"(literally) n kinda "greasy").

4)I want to find out y, if solar energy is a sesky source of energy, do we lose energy if we stand in d sun ol day long??

5)I want to find out y, if gorrilas show intelligence, don't dey purposefully screw up on experiments to chk deir intelligenze???

6)I wanna kno how come fools r so smart dat dey end up dislodgin ol fool-proof systems???

Engleesh is a phani langwage!!

Olryte, fer d furst tyme, Im posting stuff copied frm sumwere. I couldnt help it, deye were hillarious!! Here r sum notices frm around d world:

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal towels please, if u r not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed. During dat time we regret u will b unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, n only wen lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move cabin, push button for wishing floor. If d cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave ur values at the front desk.

In a hotel at Athens:
Visitors r xpected to complain daily between 9 n 11 am.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of the underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
U r invited to take advantage of d chambermaid.

On d menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave u nuthin to hope for.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate d corridors in d hours of repose in d boots of ascension.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may hav a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop ur trousers here for best results.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order ur summer suit. Becoz is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In an ad by a Hong kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by d latest methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave ur clothes here n spend d afternoon having a good time.

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Ad for donkey rides in Switzerland:
Would ya lyk to ride yer own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream!

In a Bangkok temple:
Is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man, unless she b really a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take ur bags n send them in all directions.

On d door of a Moscow hotel room:
If dis is ur first visit to Russia, u r welcome to it.

In a Norwegian lounge:
Ladies r requested not to hav children in d bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Plz do not feed d animals. If u hav n e suitable food, give it to d guard on duty.

In d office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women n other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
D water served here is personally passed by d manager.

From a Japanese info booklet bout using a hotel AC:
Cooles n Heates: if u want just condition of warm in room, then plz control urself.