Twisted Topics

Olryte now!! Enuff of it!! Didja kno dat our txtbooks r filld wid hell lotta crap?? Here r sum of d chart toppers!!

Physics
It states in d composition of an electric bell, dat d bell consists of "screw S". Now tell me, y on earth wud n e wun in deir ryte minds wanna screw innocent li'l "S"???? Wat can a part of a bell do dat it shud b screwd?? Furst of all, unparliamentary terms lyk "screw" shudnt b allowd in buks meant to b studied by li'l children of klass 10!! Secondly, why screw S????? Y not sumwun elz wurth screwing????? I mean, its plotless!! N more imp. , how do dey xpect to screw S???? Push it off a cliff???

Moreover, sum books even hab sums about levers, n wun of dem states dat d load arm of a wheel barrow is dis much, n d effort arm is dat much, so calcul8 d mechanikal advantage. Now, i've seen garbage collektors in my area move wid dose wheelbarrows, n trust me, u DO NOT wanna go near n e of d barrows to find out how long its load arm is!!! try takin a measurin tape near dat, n da garbage collektor is gona kick ur butt, if u survive d stench, dat is!!!

Biology
It states in a refrenz to embryonic development, dat d amnion "surrounds the foetus to protect it from pressure(pascal's law)". Now, pascal's law states dat in a confined liquid, pressure applied at a point is transmitted equally n undiminishd in ol direkshuns!! So acc. to d bio book, if we do so much as shake d hand of a pregnant lady, den d pressure will b transmitted ol d way to d foetus thru d blood??? So d xpektant moms shud b kept in glass chambers or sumfink???Bummer!!

History
D book states dat NWFP stands fer North-West Frontier Province. Now pardon my impertinenz, but unless im terribly wrong, d britishers hated Indians, n acc. to dat logic, NWFP shud stand fer "Never Watch Firangees Peeing"!! I mean, d englishmen didnt want indians to meddle in deir affairs, ryte?? so indians werent allowd near british lavatories!! henze NWFP!! sheesh! how cud d authors miss dis??

Literature
In Act 2, Sc-2, Brutus states "swear priests, cowards.."n so on. Now, in d name of ol d Gods n godzillaz dat d japanese worship, wat makes shakespeare think dat priets use swear-words???????? Try dis :

1. Go to a church/temple
2. Stand in front of d altar
3. Summon d priest
4. Use d mightiest swear-words u kno
5. Watch wat happens.

Ur gonna hab a never-4gettable xperienze!! D priest is surely gonna convinz u dat u hab paved ur way towards hell, n shall b facin God's wrath soon....he may evn say dat a mighty plague will befall d country becoz of ur misdeed!! So, d baseline is : Priests DO NOT swear at ol!!!!!!

EVE
Ok, dis tops 'em ol!! It sez in our books dat dere's a massive ozone hole over Antarctica. It olso states dat ozone holes r caused by CFCs used in refrigerants n aerosol sprays. Now, Y DO DESE WRITERS HAB A COMMON SENSE EQUIVALENT TO DAT OF A PLATE OF LASAGNA WIDOUT MUTTON CHOPS DAT'S BEEN THWACKED ON A BRICK WALL?????? I mean, y wud n e wun in deir right minds need to use a refrigerant in Antarctica??? Tok to d eskimos dere, dey'll tell ya dat its firewood dey crave fer, NOT refrigerant!! D place is a refigerant!!!! If refrigerants n aerosols cause ozone holes, shudnt ozone holes b over areas lyk downtown Manhattan? Its kinda obvious!!! Ever seen reindeer/polar beer (i dunno vch is in Antarctica) use aerosols????

Computer Applications
This is no less!! This year, we were given dis prog:
The calves are not so good at speaking. They use funny words for digits.For calves, the digits from zero to nine are spoken and written as: 0 no 3 ci 6 xa 9 so 1 pa 4 vo 7 ze 2 re 5 mu 8 bi
Larger numbers are created by gluing together the names of the digits.For example, 123 is 'pareci'. A single space can be placed between thedigits, so 123 can also be written as 'pa reci', 'pare ci' or even 'pa reci'.Help the calves learn arithmetic. Write a program that reads in sixnumbers of no more than 15 calf digits and sums them. The output, ofcourse, must be in the calf numbers.
PROBLEM NAME: calfnum
INPUT FORMAT:Six lines, each with a calf number of no more than 15 digits
SAMPLE INPUT (file calfnum.in):
pa
papa
civo
xaze
biso
no
OUTPUT FORMAT:A single line with a single calf number that is the sum of the six inputcalf numbers. The output line contains no spaces.

Now tell me srsly, TOKING CALVES????? moreover, CALVES WHO COUNT?? trust me ppl, i hab tried to go to a calf wid a notepad wid a calf-numbah sum on it. D calf merely stated "mooo" in a nonchalant way n DID NOT say n e thing else!!! It cudnt solve d sum!! N it cudnt say n e thin more dan moooo eider!! Wat nxt?? singing toads??? or mebbe researching crows?? or astronomikal guinea-pigs???? Sheesh!!

Interviews

Well, its olmost time for d ICSEs, but b4 dat, some interviews were taken of d studes of our skul bout how dey felt now dat d exams were about to make 'em sweat in deir pants....lets refrae dat(fer ppl who look at lyf d srs way), we wanted to kno wat deir views were bout d xams. Here r some of d best wuns...

Stud 1 (*looking very solemn n nodding head vigorously*) well, yes, dey r very important...u kno, lyk..um..(*startin to sweat*)rillie rillie important..as in...(*shakin hands to reveal his loquatiousness n speakin in a high falsetto tune*) veeeery veery important ...yes..(*eyes bulgin out n lookin lyk a cross between a rusty android n an oversized guinea-pig*)...u hab no idea how important dey r fer me!!!
(yes we do, mate!! dey r so freakin important dat u dont realize dat d grass under u is wet by dis tyme!! dey'll prolly decide wethr u liv beyond march or not!)

Stud 2(* a bit morose n sighing*) aah..de ICSEs...dey r kinda lyk a distant dream...a panorama of intrigue n fear(*lips quivering , n eyes looking distant n dreamy*)....n will probably result inrevealing wat a muddied oaf i am!! aah...but den, i'll b able to live wid dat heart-rending burden...fer i kno dat widin a few billion years, a MASSIVE BLACK HOLE WILL CONSUME OL OF US!!! NO ONE WILL SURVIVE!! REPENT O SINNERS!!!!(*jumping bout in panic, as if his butt has just been soaked in boiling oil*) DOOMSDAY IS COMING!!!(*runs away to convey d news of doomsday as if twere d news of a cretin havin given birth to triplets*)

Stud 3(*smilin affably*) Ha! The ICSEs?? My aunt is an xaminer, so i'll just sit back n relax n wait fer marks to b showerd on me!(*voice frm bakground bout d fact dat in ICSE sheets, u dont write ur name or ur skul name, just d roll no.*) What??? My aunt nevva told me dat!! Let me change wat i said, my aunt WAS an xaminer!! (*shakin in rage akin to hitler's on seeing dat a jew had pissed in his bathroom*)

Stud 4(*carefree spirit*) I dont take chaap! I've even plannd out a schedule fer studying...see, i spend only 4 hours during d day n 3 n a haff hrs at nyte wid my drumset...da remaining haff n hour i'm at my work station studyin nowadays.
(jeez! now dats wat i coll a work schedule. well, he givs new meanin to d word "work station"...a train station is where a train stops, so a work station is....u decide!)

Stud 5(*puts out his tongue n shakes his head on being asked*) don't ask now!! i'm too tensed!! i've only done 4 revishuns of d syllabus! Unless i do 3 more, i wont top!! den wat'll happen to me??? oh! (*puts hand to forehead n a strikingly painful pose*) da horror of it ol!! i'll b lost in d crowds of despair!! i may end up wid suicide!
(hell!! and if at furst u dont succed, DIE DIE agen!)

Reacshunzz

Well, d storm's ovva!! D results of our pre-boards r out....n here r sum of d reacshunzz of d various studes of various walks of lyf....

Stud 1:

Srs typo dude who usually ends up topping in his klass. Well, he ends up wid 76 on 80 in chem.....n it transpires dat sum oder dude wid d equally burnin desire fer spendin d lyf-tyme wid books has receivd 78.....so wat duz stud 1 do??? He acshully starts CRYING!!!! Yesh, dere r REAL TEARS flowin frm his groggy eyes....n he sumhow makes it seem as if he's gonna cry out "mamma, i'm coming home" any instant!!(no, we werent hoping fer it, coz dat wud result in d oders wishin to cum home to deir mammas too) i mean, ppl cry wen deir dawgs die or wen dey miss d chance to watch d last haff-hr of d 3rd part of d trilogy of LOTR....bt cry fer chem???? well, u decide his phiuchaar!

Stud 2: During d exams, dis dude was found keepin his eyes glued to his answer sheet, n prolonged veiwin of him led sum of us beleev dat at any moment, dere wud b sparx radiatin frm his head.....such was d concentrashun!! wen d results r out, ol of us lesser mortals rally towards him to kno how he has done...........wid certain grave nods, he replies"Oh...quite well.."...we reply "well???..." he sez "Well, 54% aggregate....quite good, isnt it?"....

now we aint feelin so well!!

Stud 3: D evva-smiling chaapless individual, who has a stoic way of lyf....no amount of disgrace is enuff to shame him.....he sold dat quality to stud 1 in his diaper days....

He keeps smilin at his papers....n wun glance at dem shows us dat he's failed in 8 of d subjekts.......on being given condolensces, he sez" Wat r ya sad fer???? Dese mks r more dan wat i got in d class tests!! Now pop's gonna buy me d new bicycle i've been dying fer!" we leev him to die fer d bike.....

Stud 3: He receivs his computer paper....dances bout in joy fer sumtyme seeing dat he's obtained 87...den realizes dat d name on top of d sheet sumhow strikes him as odd....as if not in collaboranz wid wat his parents had fixed fer him....den he realizes dat d name's not his at ol.....he returns d copy to d teechr n takes his own.....sees 7 written on d top....n starts dancing bout in fury, lettin off selekted abuses at d teechr fer not being able to surmise his genius.

Stud 4:Keeps his fingers stuffd in his ears wen d papers r being distributed...sez dat he "dont wanna kno how every one has done"....wunce he gets d paper, howevr, he livs against his filosofy n movs bout askin everywun deir mks.

Stud 5: Roams bout d corridors of d 3rd floor, groanin n sighin at intervals, lookin at d burnin sun outside, tryin to engulf his sorrow in d golden drops of snlight, n keeps his head low. D reezn?? He has receivd "only" 93 in maths n 89 in scienz, n now seems to b facing a dilemma bout wether he'll b gettin scienz in klass 11 or not! Sheesh....if I were u, pal, i wud hab been concentratin on wethr i'd land up wid my best frends in my scienz klass in 11 !!

Fiasco of d Week

(Disclaimer : da bike in da pic aint mine!!!)


Why o why duz d world need to change so radikally so as to shock n apall me??? Naah, no one died...no one bled....its just dat i learnt d hard way dat bicyclin aint da fun-thing it uswed to be!!

Well, bicyclin is wun of dose weird things in lyf u neva 4get wunce u learn....n living by dat belief, yesterday i decided to try out my riding-skills after 2 yrs. I thot it wud b a gr8 way to kill tyme, n conjured up images of me zooming along lanes wid a free spirit on my my old "Rusty"( yup, da bike livs up to its name, n has an uncanny way of procuring ol sortsa grindin n squeakin noises to show dat it detests being ridden...bt in d end, my superior self governed over its spirit), n i set off along da road around my block......big mishtake!!

Well, in da furst five mins. i made a complete fool of myself in front of a group of gigglin gals by riding in a fashun vch surely reminded dem bout ye olde tales of d efects of drunkenness....atleast dats wat i figured out frm d looks of deepest disgust quite prevalent on deir faces.

Nevatheless, widin 15 mins, i was riding along pretty well, humming da tune of sum song bout cyclin...(no wait..mebbe twas bout driving...or no, a plane crash..watevr, it had sumthing to do wid motion, dats ol i kno), blissfully unaware of d fact dat da immortal gods hab d not-so-comfortable habit of veiwing happiness of mortals wid contempt....bcoz widin moments da disaster happend!!

Yes, a group of terrorists landed wid parachutes n...oops sorry!! wrong story!!! Darn!! my memory's failing me!!

Actually wat happend was...i was turning round a bend at hi-speed....n d same manoeuvre was being executed by a filthy, freaking, battered, downright detestable ambassador frm d opposite direcshun(well, truly spking, da car wasnt dat bad.....bt sinze its behaviour shocked me, i'll b takin d liberty to call it watevr i want). The obvious happend...widin a couple of seconds our vehicles ( or radr, dat vehicle n my rusted ride)met in d fashun of arch enemies, n i was jerked off my seat. Now, if u cud hab seen me flying off frm my seat n fallin on d sidewalk, u wud hab agreed dat i hab a phiuchaar as a stuntsman, bt as i was on d receivin end of d blow, i thot quite diffrently....n i realizd wun more thing: sidewalks DO NOT make good pillows!!!

Soon, d driver (add certain of d nastiest adjectvs of ur choice b4 d word "driver") got out off d car n , cumming up to d tangle of wheels n limbs (s'posed to b me n my bike) embarked on a furious sermon bout wat d country's future wud b if d country were to b filld wid reckles, stupid n ...(erm..oder kindsa bad descripshuns) young men lyk me...n ol i could do was painfully get up n hang my head low(go on!! snigger ol u lyk!! wen u r facing a man who reminds u of horribly of a rhino, u wudnt hab done n e better!).

Howevr, after 5 mins, d episode was over...n he drove off...after vch i suddenly seemd to find my voice n let off a few selected curses zooming after him, in d hope dat dey wud find hm n kick his arse. (Beleev me, it cud hab been worse....sumtymes, it happens dat d individual on da giving end happens to kno ur father, n is a well wisher fer u......n ends up makin statements vch make u wish dat he didnt think so well bout u...n make u pray dat he certainly duznt end up givin da news of d accident [wid his best intrests fer u at heart] to ur dad...in vch case u can b assurd to spend d rest of ur teenage lyf grounded).

Well, da storm habbing subsided, i picked up wat was left of Rusty, tried to think of sumthing suitable to say to do honour to his service, realizd dat he hadnt servd me quite well, n walked bak home
...wid d solemn promise neva to ride rusted bicycles agen!!

"Mock" tests

Well, wid d xams (better known as a 4-letter word wid d letters I,E,C, and S in a random order) approaching, mock tests seem to b gaining popularity among ol sortsa students....lets take a peek into wat xactly happens in a mock test centre...

its 3 o' clok in d afternoon, wen i wud b normally njoyin a siesta at home, bt hab been sent to spent two whopping hours givin an EVE-xam at a centre vch sumwat resembles a garage n is nxt door to a house occupied by ppl who luv cursing evry oder minute(good substanshial curses, encompassin our entyre lives n ol our relashuns). d morose students (sum o whom hab actually studied) take deir places ( vch r too squeezd up fer normal humans, n leev us wid a desire fer a wet pillow attachd to our baks by d tyme we r done). d xam starts...

soon, surprise surprise!! it transpires dat d queschun paper is d same as d q paper fer d last mock test series....dis leads to a srs ejaculation on part of d students, an evn more srsl srs ejaculashun on part of d paranoid parents ,n helpless shrugs on part of d invigalators....d invigilators call up d centre-head office, to find out dat dere has been a typing mishtake, n dat we hab to sit fer d xam..
wat inevitably follows is 2 hrs of excellent display of info-jhaapifyin skills, accompanied by raucious noises in d room...d invigilator, a poor, old soul, tries to quiten us by furst appealinm to us n makin wild gesticulashuns to show dat we were causin great pain to his puritan heart...n den movin on to dire threats of evn more dire consequences ( a polite way of saying "shut ur pieholes or my mom will shoot!")...d chaapless students howevr , go on doing wat dey were doin ol along....n at d end of two hrs, it has been provd dat d xam was to b "mock"ed at!

Prospective Aktivities

After much debate at skul, we've ol fynally cum to d conclushun dat we do not spend much tyme at home studyin.....howevr, it still remains a mystery as to wat skul dudes rillie do den.... here's a list of wat deir fav aktivities cud b:

• Roaming about d streets haff-nude n telling complete strangers how to kill whales wid a pen-knife ( it axshully works, d trick is to get d pen-knife posishunnd over da....well, find out urself!!)
• Cleaning up lavatory seats while singin hymns in praise of satan
• Sky-diving frm a mere altitude of 1000 ft. only to fall haffway thru n remembah dat da "skydivin manual" stated sumthin bout d use of parachutes
• Running around d world bank campaigning fer d release of fugitives frm lalbazaar p.s.
• Spending haff of d day online n d oder haff on de line betwn insanity n insecurity
• Experimenting wid biotech n ending up looking sumthing lyk this

n da list continues....

Excerpts from exams

D 2 hrs of exams, if nuthin else, can b used as a perfect tyme to double up wid laffter at sum of d comments studs pass...
sum xcerpts..

EVE exam
Stud 1(panic in voice): wats a hybrid disaster??
Stud 2(no chaap): kinda...erm...jumbo-combo of...erm....bad thingies leadin to ...erm...massive bad thingy!!

Chemistry exam
Stud 1: Define isotopes!!
Stud 2: Lines on a periodic tables joining elements with same atomic number!

Morals exam
Stud 1: how can we attain inner peace?
Stud 2: hell!! so d word was peace?!!!

Histry xam
Stud 1:who was wilkin jones?
Stud 2:dude who invented d safety razor... or wait...was it d motorazr?

Maths xam
Stud 1: wat duz class interval mean?
Stud 2: must b sumthing to do wid d breaktime alloted between 2 consecutiv xams!!
Stud 1(smart kid):bt y wud dey gib dat in statistix??
Stud 2(smarter kid): well, u kno our teechr, innovativ ideas!!