Some heeby-jeebies to chk out
Saturday, May 5, 2007
1) I have discovered a cheap way to accelerate an electron widout using a cyclostat. Just tie d electron to a bylon string n start executing rotatory motion (wid d string, u freak , not wid urself!!) n presto!! it works....!!
2)I have tried to find out why, if we r to follow d theory of conservation of momentum, wen we break a vermicelli piece, d pieces of different sizes dont fall to d ground wid different speeds.I also wanted to kno y duz it break in2 more dan 2 pieces evn if v break it thru d middle!!
3)I tried to find out vch species of dungbeetle has an affinity fer vch odour of dung...( dont evn try askin me bout d steps of research....dey were...erm..."squirmy"(literally) n kinda "greasy").
4)I want to find out y, if solar energy is a sesky source of energy, do we lose energy if we stand in d sun ol day long??
5)I want to find out y, if gorrilas show intelligence, don't dey purposefully screw up on experiments to chk deir intelligenze???
6)I wanna kno how come fools r so smart dat dey end up dislodgin ol fool-proof systems???
Thursday, March 15, 2007
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal towels please, if u r not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed. During dat time we regret u will b unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, n only wen lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move cabin, push button for wishing floor. If d cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave ur values at the front desk.
In a hotel at Athens:
Visitors r xpected to complain daily between 9 n 11 am.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of the underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
U r invited to take advantage of d chambermaid.
On d menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave u nuthin to hope for.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate d corridors in d hours of repose in d boots of ascension.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may hav a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop ur trousers here for best results.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order ur summer suit. Becoz is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In an ad by a Hong kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by d latest methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave ur clothes here n spend d afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Ad for donkey rides in Switzerland:
Would ya lyk to ride yer own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream!
In a Bangkok temple:
Is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man, unless she b really a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take ur bags n send them in all directions.
On d door of a Moscow hotel room:
If dis is ur first visit to Russia, u r welcome to it.
In a Norwegian lounge:
Ladies r requested not to hav children in d bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Plz do not feed d animals. If u hav n e suitable food, give it to d guard on duty.
In d office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women n other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
D water served here is personally passed by d manager.
From a Japanese info booklet bout using a hotel AC:
Cooles n Heates: if u want just condition of warm in room, then plz control urself.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
It states in d composition of an electric bell, dat d bell consists of "screw S". Now tell me, y on earth wud n e wun in deir ryte minds wanna screw innocent li'l "S"???? Wat can a part of a bell do dat it shud b screwd?? Furst of all, unparliamentary terms lyk "screw" shudnt b allowd in buks meant to b studied by li'l children of klass 10!! Secondly, why screw S????? Y not sumwun elz wurth screwing????? I mean, its plotless!! N more imp. , how do dey xpect to screw S???? Push it off a cliff???
Moreover, sum books even hab sums about levers, n wun of dem states dat d load arm of a wheel barrow is dis much, n d effort arm is dat much, so calcul8 d mechanikal advantage. Now, i've seen garbage collektors in my area move wid dose wheelbarrows, n trust me, u DO NOT wanna go near n e of d barrows to find out how long its load arm is!!! try takin a measurin tape near dat, n da garbage collektor is gona kick ur butt, if u survive d stench, dat is!!!
It states in a refrenz to embryonic development, dat d amnion "surrounds the foetus to protect it from pressure(pascal's law)". Now, pascal's law states dat in a confined liquid, pressure applied at a point is transmitted equally n undiminishd in ol direkshuns!! So acc. to d bio book, if we do so much as shake d hand of a pregnant lady, den d pressure will b transmitted ol d way to d foetus thru d blood??? So d xpektant moms shud b kept in glass chambers or sumfink???Bummer!!
D book states dat NWFP stands fer North-West Frontier Province. Now pardon my impertinenz, but unless im terribly wrong, d britishers hated Indians, n acc. to dat logic, NWFP shud stand fer "Never Watch Firangees Peeing"!! I mean, d englishmen didnt want indians to meddle in deir affairs, ryte?? so indians werent allowd near british lavatories!! henze NWFP!! sheesh! how cud d authors miss dis??
In Act 2, Sc-2, Brutus states "swear priests, cowards.."n so on. Now, in d name of ol d Gods n godzillaz dat d japanese worship, wat makes shakespeare think dat priets use swear-words???????? Try dis :
- Go to a church/temple
- Stand in front of d altar
- Summon d priest
- Use d mightiest swear-words u kno
- Watch wat happens.
Ur gonna hab a never-4gettable xperienze!! D priest is surely gonna convinz u dat u hab paved ur way towards hell, n shall b facin God's wrath soon....he may evn say dat a mighty plague will befall d country becoz of ur misdeed!! So, d baseline is : Priests DO NOT swear at ol!!!!!!EVE
Ok, dis tops 'em ol!! It sez in our books dat dere's a massive ozone hole over Antarctica. It olso states dat ozone holes r caused by CFCs used in refrigerants n aerosol sprays. Now, Y DO DESE WRITERS HAB A COMMON SENSE EQUIVALENT TO DAT OF A PLATE OF LASAGNA WIDOUT MUTTON CHOPS DAT'S BEEN THWACKED ON A BRICK WALL?????? I mean, y wud n e wun in deir right minds need to use a refrigerant in Antarctica??? Tok to d eskimos dere, dey'll tell ya dat its firewood dey crave fer, NOT refrigerant!! D place is a refigerant!!!! If refrigerants n aerosols cause ozone holes, shudnt ozone holes b over areas lyk downtown Manhattan? Its kinda obvious!!! Ever seen reindeer/polar beer (i dunno vch is in Antarctica) use aerosols????
This is no less!! This year, we were given dis prog:
The calves are not so good at speaking. They use funny words for digits.For calves, the digits from zero to nine are spoken and written as: 0 no 3 ci 6 xa 9 so 1 pa 4 vo 7 ze 2 re 5 mu 8 bi
Larger numbers are created by gluing together the names of the digits.For example, 123 is 'pareci'. A single space can be placed between thedigits, so 123 can also be written as 'pa reci', 'pare ci' or even 'pa reci'.Help the calves learn arithmetic. Write a program that reads in sixnumbers of no more than 15 calf digits and sums them. The output, ofcourse, must be in the calf numbers.
PROBLEM NAME: calfnum
INPUT FORMAT:Six lines, each with a calf number of no more than 15 digits
SAMPLE INPUT (file calfnum.in):
OUTPUT FORMAT:A single line with a single calf number that is the sum of the six inputcalf numbers. The output line contains no spaces.
Now tell me srsly, TOKING CALVES????? moreover, CALVES WHO COUNT?? trust me ppl, i hab tried to go to a calf wid a notepad wid a calf-numbah sum on it. D calf merely stated "mooo" in a nonchalant way n DID NOT say n e thing else!!! It cudnt solve d sum!! N it cudnt say n e thin more dan moooo eider!! Wat nxt?? singing toads??? or mebbe researching crows?? or astronomikal guinea-pigs???? Sheesh!!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Stud 1 (*looking very solemn n nodding head vigorously*) well, yes, dey r very important...u kno, lyk..um..(*startin to sweat*)rillie rillie important..as in...(*shakin hands to reveal his loquatiousness n speakin in a high falsetto tune*) veeeery veery important ...yes..(*eyes bulgin out n lookin lyk a cross between a rusty android n an oversized guinea-pig*)...u hab no idea how important dey r fer me!!!
(yes we do, mate!! dey r so freakin important dat u dont realize dat d grass under u is wet by dis tyme!! dey'll prolly decide wethr u liv beyond march or not!)
Stud 2(* a bit morose n sighing*) aah..de ICSEs...dey r kinda lyk a distant dream...a panorama of intrigue n fear(*lips quivering , n eyes looking distant n dreamy*)....n will probably result inrevealing wat a muddied oaf i am!! aah...but den, i'll b able to live wid dat heart-rending burden...fer i kno dat widin a few billion years, a MASSIVE BLACK HOLE WILL CONSUME OL OF US!!! NO ONE WILL SURVIVE!! REPENT O SINNERS!!!!(*jumping bout in panic, as if his butt has just been soaked in boiling oil*) DOOMSDAY IS COMING!!!(*runs away to convey d news of doomsday as if twere d news of a cretin havin given birth to triplets*)
Stud 3(*smilin affably*) Ha! The ICSEs?? My aunt is an xaminer, so i'll just sit back n relax n wait fer marks to b showerd on me!(*voice frm bakground bout d fact dat in ICSE sheets, u dont write ur name or ur skul name, just d roll no.*) What??? My aunt nevva told me dat!! Let me change wat i said, my aunt WAS an xaminer!! (*shakin in rage akin to hitler's on seeing dat a jew had pissed in his bathroom*)
Stud 4(*carefree spirit*) I dont take chaap! I've even plannd out a schedule fer studying...see, i spend only 4 hours during d day n 3 n a haff hrs at nyte wid my drumset...da remaining haff n hour i'm at my work station studyin nowadays.
(jeez! now dats wat i coll a work schedule. well, he givs new meanin to d word "work station"...a train station is where a train stops, so a work station is....u decide!)
Stud 5(*puts out his tongue n shakes his head on being asked*) don't ask now!! i'm too tensed!! i've only done 4 revishuns of d syllabus! Unless i do 3 more, i wont top!! den wat'll happen to me??? oh! (*puts hand to forehead n a strikingly painful pose*) da horror of it ol!! i'll b lost in d crowds of despair!! i may end up wid suicide!
(hell!! and if at furst u dont succed, DIE DIE agen!)
Monday, February 12, 2007
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Why o why duz d world need to change so radikally so as to shock n apall me??? Naah, no one died...no one bled....its just dat i learnt d hard way dat bicyclin aint da fun-thing it uswed to be!!
Well, bicyclin is wun of dose weird things in lyf u neva 4get wunce u learn....n living by dat belief, yesterday i decided to try out my riding-skills after 2 yrs. I thot it wud b a gr8 way to kill tyme, n conjured up images of me zooming along lanes wid a free spirit on my my old "Rusty"( yup, da bike livs up to its name, n has an uncanny way of procuring ol sortsa grindin n squeakin noises to show dat it detests being ridden...bt in d end, my superior self governed over its spirit), n i set off along da road around my block......big mishtake!!
Well, in da furst five mins. i made a complete fool of myself in front of a group of gigglin gals by riding in a fashun vch surely reminded dem bout ye olde tales of d efects of drunkenness....atleast dats wat i figured out frm d looks of deepest disgust quite prevalent on deir faces.
Nevatheless, widin 15 mins, i was riding along pretty well, humming da tune of sum song bout cyclin...(no wait..mebbe twas bout driving...or no, a plane crash..watevr, it had sumthing to do wid motion, dats ol i kno), blissfully unaware of d fact dat da immortal gods hab d not-so-comfortable habit of veiwing happiness of mortals wid contempt....bcoz widin moments da disaster happend!!
Yes, a group of terrorists landed wid parachutes n...oops sorry!! wrong story!!! Darn!! my memory's failing me!!
Actually wat happend was...i was turning round a bend at hi-speed....n d same manoeuvre was being executed by a filthy, freaking, battered, downright detestable ambassador frm d opposite direcshun(well, truly spking, da car wasnt dat bad.....bt sinze its behaviour shocked me, i'll b takin d liberty to call it watevr i want). The obvious happend...widin a couple of seconds our vehicles ( or radr, dat vehicle n my rusted ride)met in d fashun of arch enemies, n i was jerked off my seat. Now, if u cud hab seen me flying off frm my seat n fallin on d sidewalk, u wud hab agreed dat i hab a phiuchaar as a stuntsman, bt as i was on d receivin end of d blow, i thot quite diffrently....n i realizd wun more thing: sidewalks DO NOT make good pillows!!!
Soon, d driver (add certain of d nastiest adjectvs of ur choice b4 d word "driver") got out off d car n , cumming up to d tangle of wheels n limbs (s'posed to b me n my bike) embarked on a furious sermon bout wat d country's future wud b if d country were to b filld wid reckles, stupid n ...(erm..oder kindsa bad descripshuns) young men lyk me...n ol i could do was painfully get up n hang my head low(go on!! snigger ol u lyk!! wen u r facing a man who reminds u of horribly of a rhino, u wudnt hab done n e better!).
Howevr, after 5 mins, d episode was over...n he drove off...after vch i suddenly seemd to find my voice n let off a few selected curses zooming after him, in d hope dat dey wud find hm n kick his arse. (Beleev me, it cud hab been worse....sumtymes, it happens dat d individual on da giving end happens to kno ur father, n is a well wisher fer u......n ends up makin statements vch make u wish dat he didnt think so well bout u...n make u pray dat he certainly duznt end up givin da news of d accident [wid his best intrests fer u at heart] to ur dad...in vch case u can b assurd to spend d rest of ur teenage lyf grounded).
Well, da storm habbing subsided, i picked up wat was left of Rusty, tried to think of sumthing suitable to say to do honour to his service, realizd dat he hadnt servd me quite well, n walked bak home
...wid d solemn promise neva to ride rusted bicycles agen!!
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
its 3 o' clok in d afternoon, wen i wud b normally njoyin a siesta at home, bt hab been sent to spent two whopping hours givin an EVE-xam at a centre vch sumwat resembles a garage n is nxt door to a house occupied by ppl who luv cursing evry oder minute(good substanshial curses, encompassin our entyre lives n ol our relashuns). d morose students (sum o whom hab actually studied) take deir places ( vch r too squeezd up fer normal humans, n leev us wid a desire fer a wet pillow attachd to our baks by d tyme we r done). d xam starts...
soon, surprise surprise!! it transpires dat d queschun paper is d same as d q paper fer d last mock test series....dis leads to a srs ejaculation on part of d students, an evn more srsl srs ejaculashun on part of d paranoid parents ,n helpless shrugs on part of d invigalators....d invigilators call up d centre-head office, to find out dat dere has been a typing mishtake, n dat we hab to sit fer d xam..
wat inevitably follows is 2 hrs of excellent display of info-jhaapifyin skills, accompanied by raucious noises in d room...d invigilator, a poor, old soul, tries to quiten us by furst appealinm to us n makin wild gesticulashuns to show dat we were causin great pain to his puritan heart...n den movin on to dire threats of evn more dire consequences ( a polite way of saying "shut ur pieholes or my mom will shoot!")...d chaapless students howevr , go on doing wat dey were doin ol along....n at d end of two hrs, it has been provd dat d xam was to b "mock"ed at!
- Roaming about d streets haff-nude n telling complete strangers how to kill whales wid a pen-knife ( it axshully works, d trick is to get d pen-knife posishunnd over da....well, find out urself!!)
- Cleaning up lavatory seats while singin hymns in praise of satan
- Sky-diving frm a mere altitude of 1000 ft. only to fall haffway thru n remembah dat da "skydivin manual" stated sumthin bout d use of parachutes
- Running around d world bank campaigning fer d release of fugitives frm lalbazaar p.s.
- Spending haff of d day online n d oder haff on de line betwn insanity n insecurity
- Experimenting wid biotech n ending up looking sumthing lyk this
n da list continues....
Stud 1(panic in voice): wats a hybrid disaster??
Stud 2(no chaap): kinda...erm...jumbo-combo of...erm....bad thingies leadin to ...erm...massive bad thingy!!
Stud 1: Define isotopes!!
Stud 2: Lines on a periodic tables joining elements with same atomic number!
Stud 1: how can we attain inner peace?
Stud 2: hell!! so d word was peace?!!!
Stud 1:who was wilkin jones?
Stud 2:dude who invented d safety razor... or wait...was it d motorazr?
Stud 1: wat duz class interval mean?
Stud 2: must b sumthing to do wid d breaktime alloted between 2 consecutiv xams!!
Stud 1(smart kid):bt y wud dey gib dat in statistix??
Stud 2(smarter kid): well, u kno our teechr, innovativ ideas!!